ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
