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I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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