can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
