i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
