Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All the doctor said was why
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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