So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
