I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
...so i touched it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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