mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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