Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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