i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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