I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
