Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
