I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
