i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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