my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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