Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize