I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
