I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
