fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
