Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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