So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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