is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
