He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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