Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
