Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
