wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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