and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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