I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
