i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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