Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
