I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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