I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
