Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
