i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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