my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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