So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And then he peed in my hair
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