Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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