chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
