A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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