You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
