Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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