I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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