woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
