Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize