Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
