She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
