she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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