Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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