dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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