I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
