So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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