i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize