i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize