My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
