shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
