Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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