I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
