he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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