cat food counts as protein by the way
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
