I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
