I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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