Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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