I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
