Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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